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Sep 15, 2012

On Vulnerability Fear and Treadmill

I solemnly swear I will not social-whine, nor stick my head up into the clouds because this is how I analyse and break down the different sides of myself - in order to be a better person.

And so, onto the self-confession:

Everything's been on a constant hiatus ever since college started. Uni life is passing really fast  - as if I'm about to graduate soon even though semester one and Year Two commenced just a few weeks ago. 

I knew this feeling would come - for I understand myself well enough to know that I would whine about the things I would like to do and have not yet done with my youth. *roll eyes* I've always been doing that  -but now, it's a different thing altogether. 

The thing is, when you have only this much time (5.5 semesters) left to do all the things you want as a student, time becomes blatantly scarce. I've been living in this bubble filled with anxiety and passion to excel - in this bubble I have with me dreams and aspirations as well. 

Yet in this very bubble there exists equal amounts of fear, insecurities and inertia. (they perpetually fill up the bubble everyday when I'm unaware) Which is why so many things I've been doing in life (or would like to do) are on  constant hiatus. 

It just doesn't seem to sit well. And now I know I have to face it. 


Because somehow along the course of losing the life-chances I deserve, losing the things I love and spending eons envying people who somehow attained self-actualization (by hook or by crook, by effort or by luck) as a child - I've reached this stage when the world is starkly real. So real that I fear myself losing balance as I gaze into the world before me and the one around me. 

And the curious thing is that I believe I deserve better albeit the many flaws I have, given the many wrong choices I tend to make because of two things - fear and shame.

Before college, these two things played the salient role of villain in my bubble. 

Villain is probably the closet word I can think of now -because villains threaten to shatter the glass castle many people tend to live in, villains are bad, they deserved to be blamed. And we certainly have nothing in common with the villain we are running away from, even-while testing a bit of self-defense - we are still victims deserving betterment.

But if you look closely, that villain is just a part of you. Fear comes from within - nobody gives you fear like someone would shove a spoon in your mouth. 

Fear is a reaction. And sometimes we don't know why we react in this way. And in return we fear more, like pouring cartons of carbon dusts into the machine and start an endless cycle of churning fear.

When you can't control your fear - you find yourself running on a treadmill away from it - and ironically, constantly running into it - like an old friend- or villain. Because if you were to stop running on the same spot for just a while, you'll hear yourself panting alone with all the thoughts that made you such a wreck - and perhaps realize that if you have such a power to create such a villain out of yourself, you can do the same - to create the someone you've always wanted to run towards to.  

 Fear comes from within because it's a form of retaliation and justification for not wanting to fall flat on your face. But of you do not start running in the right direction, there is no way you're going to reach anywhere. 

And if you ignore this truth about fear, and how you've always been this way and hating yourself it - then it's time to know that fear is always there- and there are definitely better things to do about it. 

Let it chase you, let it push you, because fear is nothing when you have more important things to do, to love, to think about, to pursue. Courage is when you judge that there are things more important than fear.

Personally, I'm a jack of lots of trades - I know it - but I'm a master of none. But is being a master of none wrong? 

I'm a master of being self-conflicting, but perhaps this is why I always have such monologues with myself, about fear, about vulnerability and about stagnation. Somehow, I'll always emerge a better person after my long talk with Fear.

And so I told myself:

"I'm not a master of most of the trades I'm rather good at - because I'm a bloody perfectionist. But I know I can bloody do all of them well too - just one at a time." 

I had a long chat with a friend this week- and I discovered we share a common understanding about vulnerability.

And that is:

It takes courage to be imperfect. (FYI: you can learn more about this from Brene Brown on Ted Talk)

Well, it pretty sums up all I have to say about vulnerability and that villain you see in the mirror. That's all for today, slow down that treadmill and run in the other direction :)